Section Seven

A commentary regarding the Political, Social, Cultural and Psychological state of today's world; expressed in terms of loving sarcasm.

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Location: United States

I know how you have to live inside yourself, isolate yourself because emotionally and mentally you have no equals here. How, more often than not, you have to compromise your thinking just to be understood. How you long for someone with the capacity to meet you where you live. On your level. (credit: Lawrence Hertzog)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Chuck Norris... and other Warriors

The only difference between Chuck Norris and the American Soldier is that Chuck Norris just plays one on TV!

  • There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
  • The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  • Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
  • The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
  • Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
  • Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
  • The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer
  • Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
  • Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
  • Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
  • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
  • Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
  • Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  • There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
  • Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
  • Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
  • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
  • After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
  • When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
  • If Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
  • Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
  • There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
  • In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
  • Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
  • It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
  • That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
  • Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  • If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
  • To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
  • We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
  • The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
  • Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
  • In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
  • The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
  • When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

3 Comments:

Anonymous surgiteetcoffeamolfacite said...

i'm learning one of my favorite all time soongs on the guitar as a surprise for you . . . In the Eyes of the ranger the unsuspecting stranger. . .

12:26 PM  
Blogger Tradcatholic said...

For heaven's sake, Maddie, change this piece ASAP! It is getting old almost as fast as I am!! Like I say...CHUCK Chuck Norris already! Let's hear more of your pontifications. Like, how is your trip to work NOW in the wind and the rain???

4:17 PM  
Blogger gawfer said...

Bueller... Bueller... Bueller

2:36 PM  

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